Monday 6 December 2010
Today....
Today I have continued to grapple with existential torment, loss and magic... Scraped a small hill of snow from my car**** bought snow chains for my boots and nearly run out of fuel for my stove=which-makes-all-this possible! ....
Sunday 5 December 2010
Edges
I GO TO THE EDGE.
I go to the edges.... always... seeking.... the frayed..the broken edges... always the edges.. I go the edge of the mountain... the edge of my sanity... the edge of despair the edge of beauty.. the edges of love... always the edges... the untested ground...
I miss you
I miss you more than I can ever know.. more than I can really feel more than I can believe in I miss the moments we never had... the joys we we'ren't brave enough to grasp.... to notice... did you notice?... did I? Dare I even love? Dare I come home even if home still existed ? Or am I forever running from what I truly desire? Cold it's cold out here... It's bleak and lonely and I miss the home I run from. I dont know how to come home.. I don't know how to love those who need me....I dont know how to need those who love me.. I'm afraid of love & need. I'm afraid to notice what I had... & I missed......
... & what next.....
Well, I'll tell ya if yer really wanna know....
I go to the edges.... always... seeking.... the frayed..the broken edges... always the edges.. I go the edge of the mountain... the edge of my sanity... the edge of despair the edge of beauty.. the edges of love... always the edges... the untested ground...
I miss you
I miss you more than I can ever know.. more than I can really feel more than I can believe in I miss the moments we never had... the joys we we'ren't brave enough to grasp.... to notice... did you notice?... did I? Dare I even love? Dare I come home even if home still existed ? Or am I forever running from what I truly desire? Cold it's cold out here... It's bleak and lonely and I miss the home I run from. I dont know how to come home.. I don't know how to love those who need me....I dont know how to need those who love me.. I'm afraid of love & need. I'm afraid to notice what I had... & I missed......
... & what next.....
Well, I'll tell ya if yer really wanna know....
- There are big adventures ahead of you my sweet one.. there are horizons wider than you can see right now. There are mountains of possibility.. and small caves with warm small fires to huddle by ... there are sweet smiles of gleeful conspiracy .. there is practical planning... building... some technical graft... & there are Big dreams...Bold ones, wider than yr wingspan, which is considerable! There is magic in yr blood. And, contrary to scientific viewpoints, stars do not burn out as time passes. No, they merely become brighter, until, too bright for us to bear it, they pass into an alternate universe. Nothing ends, we merely cross thresholds. ....
We merely cross thresholds.
There is truly never anything to lose!
remember this.... remember this....
& forget anything that bites at yr ankles whispering otherwise.
There is truly never anything to lose.
Wednesday 24 November 2010
night mind
It's not insomnia... because that sounds unwanted... but i do love being awake at night... especially in the winter... warm & comfortable, home alone, feels freeing, like my mind switches on...plugs into the stars..revels in the autonomy of alone time after midnight.... feels magic and sparkling... gleeful... .... private.... *********** .........
Tuesday 23 November 2010
random
haven't said anything random for a while.... rabbits! ... rioting... and a grass roots welfare state of ecstacy.... there that'll do for now....
Wednesday 17 November 2010
new life
No, I'm not pregnant! : ) but am feeling the stirrings of rejuvenation.
I'm back in Wakefield in what was my childhood home, clearing out old wardrobe and cupboards, finding evidence of my mother's love for me i didn't have long enough to appreciate whilst we were both alive. Cleaning up, sorting thru, finding myself able to appreciate my brother, seperate from worrying about him. This wasn't a bad home! & we weren't a bad family, tho we were scared by our trials. : ) : ( I'm lucky to have this time... time to reflect & appreciate... to clear & sort....& build foundations for new adventures to come......
I'm back in Wakefield in what was my childhood home, clearing out old wardrobe and cupboards, finding evidence of my mother's love for me i didn't have long enough to appreciate whilst we were both alive. Cleaning up, sorting thru, finding myself able to appreciate my brother, seperate from worrying about him. This wasn't a bad home! & we weren't a bad family, tho we were scared by our trials. : ) : ( I'm lucky to have this time... time to reflect & appreciate... to clear & sort....& build foundations for new adventures to come......
Wednesday 20 October 2010
purple... & other colours
Today's the day to wear purple to commemorate the gay young men who committed suicide due to homophobic abuse.
I knew right away that i didnt wanna do this. Partly because contemplating suicides is just too depressing and i havent any sadness left over for losses other than my own right now. but partly because i search for a response that's digging deeper to the heart of the wider problem.. the global context in which these tragedies occur.
Of course it's terrible that young gay men end their lives in this way.
Just as its awful that young muslims see fit to destroy themselves and take others with them , seeing, presumably , no way to live in the circumstances they find themselves.
It's awful that our welfare state is being destroyed in front of our eyes by a so-called coalition govt. ... and on & on the list could go.
It seems there is a 'reign of terror' happening in our world right now, tho not the one George W used as an excuse to kill.
I feel scared and vulnerable, as i age, struggle with health concerns and worry about a sustainable income... & I'm relatively priviledged!
It seems we've created a society/world in which no one feels safe and these acts of deplorable - & life-threatening- bullying, seem, to me, to spring from this unhinged fear and distress.
Thus, tho I obviously oppose such behaviour, I dont believe it will end until the underlying cause is corrected.i.e. until we re-establish a world in which it is safe to be human.
P>S> However, I write this clad in magenta satin, which, for me, says the same thing yet in a more visceral ("actually some of us are still alive!" ) kinda way!. .. and, when I go out shortly, i shall wear a purple scarf.
xxxC
"It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit"
I knew right away that i didnt wanna do this. Partly because contemplating suicides is just too depressing and i havent any sadness left over for losses other than my own right now. but partly because i search for a response that's digging deeper to the heart of the wider problem.. the global context in which these tragedies occur.
Of course it's terrible that young gay men end their lives in this way.
Just as its awful that young muslims see fit to destroy themselves and take others with them , seeing, presumably , no way to live in the circumstances they find themselves.
It's awful that our welfare state is being destroyed in front of our eyes by a so-called coalition govt. ... and on & on the list could go.
It seems there is a 'reign of terror' happening in our world right now, tho not the one George W used as an excuse to kill.
I feel scared and vulnerable, as i age, struggle with health concerns and worry about a sustainable income... & I'm relatively priviledged!
It seems we've created a society/world in which no one feels safe and these acts of deplorable - & life-threatening- bullying, seem, to me, to spring from this unhinged fear and distress.
Thus, tho I obviously oppose such behaviour, I dont believe it will end until the underlying cause is corrected.i.e. until we re-establish a world in which it is safe to be human.
P>S> However, I write this clad in magenta satin, which, for me, says the same thing yet in a more visceral ("actually some of us are still alive!" ) kinda way!. .. and, when I go out shortly, i shall wear a purple scarf.
xxxC
"It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit"
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Monday 18 October 2010
%^&**(&^%ing Nightmare!!!!!!!!
My brother appears to deteriorate... tho his care team seem to think that's fine. This necessitates regular contact with my childhood home which raises stark memories of the neglect and abuse i suffered there. This distresses me greatly. at the same time I'm challenged with administrating my father's will and facilitating my brother's understanding and involvement in this. I'm stressed, distressed and somewhat at the end of my rope with all this. Not to mention its only just 2 months since my father died and, tho I've had some kindness and love from friends surrounding this, I frequently find myself alone and lacking nurture and support. This just repeats family patterns of neglect and damaging force to perform. I'm hanging in. still functional and hopefully still capable of creative thought & strategy.... but it's hell. Hard. and i feel overstretched and close to my limit.
Thursday 7 October 2010
Song in progress...
Working on this folk-rock number.... trying to conjure something of collective action & an 'everyone-counts' antidote to the culture of winner-takes-all, celebrity competitive, bullying of 'mis-fits" nonsense we seem to be still living with....
A still-alive greenham feminist socialist anthem looking for harmonies! & all in the key of G!
Collaboration welcome.....
'Our Society is bigger than yrs!'
Don't tell me that you'll never be
Sitting right here right next to me
Don't tell me that you don't belong
Yr the harmony to my song
It sounds a bit flat without ya
You got me thinking got me thinking about ya
Don't tell me that it's no use
Don't you come around here with yr tired excuse(s)
Cd be an expert or a total beginner
Don't u know there's never only one winner
Even on the days u don't feel strong
Just hang on in there 'cause U might be wrong
I know you thought that we all gave up & died
but ...there's a power that will not be denied...
We're intelligent & we got a cause
& our society is bigger than yrs!
( but) it cd all fall flat without ya
You got me talking, got me talking about ya...
We got the internet, space travel & cheap flight
We got eating disorders & teenage suicides
We cd be so so close to safe & free
It's up to you & babe it's up to me
It sounds a bit flat without ya.....
,,,,
A still-alive greenham feminist socialist anthem looking for harmonies! & all in the key of G!
Collaboration welcome.....
'Our Society is bigger than yrs!'
Don't tell me that you'll never be
Sitting right here right next to me
Don't tell me that you don't belong
Yr the harmony to my song
It sounds a bit flat without ya
You got me thinking got me thinking about ya
Don't tell me that it's no use
Don't you come around here with yr tired excuse(s)
Cd be an expert or a total beginner
Don't u know there's never only one winner
Even on the days u don't feel strong
Just hang on in there 'cause U might be wrong
I know you thought that we all gave up & died
but ...there's a power that will not be denied...
We're intelligent & we got a cause
& our society is bigger than yrs!
( but) it cd all fall flat without ya
You got me talking, got me talking about ya...
We got the internet, space travel & cheap flight
We got eating disorders & teenage suicides
We cd be so so close to safe & free
It's up to you & babe it's up to me
It sounds a bit flat without ya.....
,,,,
Friday 1 October 2010
rainy day...moving
It's raining,I'm happy to be indoors, still somewhere between the shock of recent bereavement and the faint rhythm of everyday life...tho, to be honest, my life rarely feels everyday!! ... big moves,big steps for myself and my remaining family as we adjust and attempt to.....re-build??? carry on? .... whatever it is you do after a major loss & all the reflections and challenges it brings. I began to clear and reclaim my old room this week which is really significant for me. hoovered up years of dust and made a space the young me would've felt safe in. Just moving furntiure is a big deal in the house that has lain immoveable since my Mum's death. Finding ways to negotiate with my brother, making decisions about where things go.... It's large steps... feels important, moving, tender, in some ways sad...yet good. XXXC
Thursday 16 September 2010
Thursday 9 September 2010
Beyond the blog
To state the probably obvious, its a huge time for me right now.
Dealing with my father's death and complex & demanding family situation.
It's full of huge challenges & substantial gifts... tho doesn't always feel like that.
I'm finding my way thru. I'm trying to learn pacing, strategy, remaining grounded... & adult... without completely losing the sense of awe and gratitude I've felt in the experience of sharing my father's exit from this human world.
I'm even more actively engaged with mental health in very real and tangible ways, dealing with my families needs and my own, social services and my own practice as a healer and spiritual woman. It's all very real andc challenging, sometimes has felt tooooo much.... but i'm finding my way thru.... & finding much generosity and skillfull help is here for me.
I'm moved to be alive and able to experience all of this.
I notice that the most painful place is when i feel disconnected or unable to make the brave steps i want to make.
I notice that simple grief is painful but also healing. That simple grief..(.i.e. the ability to love & lose, uncomplicated by resentments or regrets,) is able to clear the space for future gifts.
It's scary losing yr last living parent.
It reminds us of our own mortality & calls us to be the best adult we can manage.
I'm grateful for the allies that surround me.
I'm grateful for the love & joy granted to me in my parents DNA.
Today i feel loved enough to believe i can handle the challenges which remain considerable & enduring.
with love & power,
Chrystine,
Dealing with my father's death and complex & demanding family situation.
It's full of huge challenges & substantial gifts... tho doesn't always feel like that.
I'm finding my way thru. I'm trying to learn pacing, strategy, remaining grounded... & adult... without completely losing the sense of awe and gratitude I've felt in the experience of sharing my father's exit from this human world.
I'm even more actively engaged with mental health in very real and tangible ways, dealing with my families needs and my own, social services and my own practice as a healer and spiritual woman. It's all very real andc challenging, sometimes has felt tooooo much.... but i'm finding my way thru.... & finding much generosity and skillfull help is here for me.
I'm moved to be alive and able to experience all of this.
I notice that the most painful place is when i feel disconnected or unable to make the brave steps i want to make.
I notice that simple grief is painful but also healing. That simple grief..(.i.e. the ability to love & lose, uncomplicated by resentments or regrets,) is able to clear the space for future gifts.
It's scary losing yr last living parent.
It reminds us of our own mortality & calls us to be the best adult we can manage.
I'm grateful for the allies that surround me.
I'm grateful for the love & joy granted to me in my parents DNA.
Today i feel loved enough to believe i can handle the challenges which remain considerable & enduring.
with love & power,
Chrystine,
Monday 30 August 2010
There is a greater Love.
Fierce & Tender.
.... need to be loved fierce & tender , skilfully, with intelligence and wisdom springing from carnal touch.
Need to feel precision and reckless abundance fuse and break open, smiling with wise-held knowing spontaneous love.
This is not something anyone can teach you, tho in many ways they can & will, but more than that it is a knowing that grows in you and, if you have been harmed by insensitivity, hurt by a lack of love and honour, if you have survived these things and grown beyond them, you will possess the kind of knowing touch of which I speak.
Survivors know this. Lovers who progress beyond need into talent. Magicians of the carnal arts and also just those who love enough to want to get in right.
It's a bit like playing an instrument. There's the basic mechanics and then there's the soul.
Beyond fear Beyond ego beyond possession Beyond the limits of our small human hearts, there is a greater love that we can touch occasionally in moments that last forever sometimes if we dare.
Thursday 26 August 2010
The day of Dad's funeral
The day of dad's funeral
I wish we could have put “shame” in the coffin.
I wish you could've shed your fears and uncertainties and flown free without having to actually shed yr flesh and bones.
I wish you could've been there to see how many people turned up to your funeral;
How many words of genuine joy were spoken about you.
How many people cared.
I wish you could've seen the relatives reunited in conversation at the function afterwards.
I wish you could see your son taking over the housekeeping,
returning home to pay the milkman tho' he knew that it was not essential to do so on a day like today.
I wish you'd been there to see the many good things you leave behind
And, tho' I guess you are probably far too busy reuniting with your wife in whatever lies beyond us, I insist you take a moment to notice all of this.
And, also, to be thoroughly Proud of me!
Yr loving & stylish Daughter,
Chrystine Moon.
Sunday 22 August 2010
Dad
DAD
Jack Gomersall 31.5.26 - 18-8-2010
On day of Dad's death I recall these things......
His warm chuckling laugh, His deep caring. His unending care for both my brother and myself. His one-teabag-in-the-pot habit! (unless on special occasions : ) His generosity of spirit, his words of wisdom “Enjoy yr life” 'don't worry' and 'don't get down in the dumps.' His love of my mother. His joke about being member number '006' at his golf club.. not only a veteran golfer but “Licensed to thrill” apparently!
We disagreed about his use of weedol on the garden lawn; sometimes about our concerns for my brother... & not too much else that I can think of right now.
I wish I had had more time to appreciate his capacity for enjoying life and for appreciating him in general. I wish he'd had more time to enjoy time with Audrey (our Mum/ his wife) after his retirement and I wish he'd seized more adventures for himself before his passing.
I honour his love & devotion to his wife and family, his wise, steady wisdom and his warm humour and Yorkshire wit.
Trivia:
I bought him a laptop last father's day and he enrolled on a course at the local library to learn how to use it. The day he was ambulanced into hospital, two days ago, (it's hard to believe!) he got a call from the library saying a place on the course was available . He said, “I had to say “Oh I'm having some health problems so I will have to decline.” “ We both smiled at that. Almost part of the online community, as he lay on the NHS trolley awaiting admission.
I feel his love continue to live in my brother and myself
I feel the many memories of his kind, gentle ways still ambling around the house.
I wish I could send this message to him.. to tell him how much I love & appreciate his gifts and my life, but, y'know some things work even if yr not online.... and we both know that and always will.
Jack Gomersall 31.5.26 - 18-8-2010
On day of Dad's death I recall these things......
His warm chuckling laugh, His deep caring. His unending care for both my brother and myself. His one-teabag-in-the-pot habit! (unless on special occasions : ) His generosity of spirit, his words of wisdom “Enjoy yr life” 'don't worry' and 'don't get down in the dumps.' His love of my mother. His joke about being member number '006' at his golf club.. not only a veteran golfer but “Licensed to thrill” apparently!
We disagreed about his use of weedol on the garden lawn; sometimes about our concerns for my brother... & not too much else that I can think of right now.
I wish I had had more time to appreciate his capacity for enjoying life and for appreciating him in general. I wish he'd had more time to enjoy time with Audrey (our Mum/ his wife) after his retirement and I wish he'd seized more adventures for himself before his passing.
I honour his love & devotion to his wife and family, his wise, steady wisdom and his warm humour and Yorkshire wit.
Trivia:
I bought him a laptop last father's day and he enrolled on a course at the local library to learn how to use it. The day he was ambulanced into hospital, two days ago, (it's hard to believe!) he got a call from the library saying a place on the course was available . He said, “I had to say “Oh I'm having some health problems so I will have to decline.” “ We both smiled at that. Almost part of the online community, as he lay on the NHS trolley awaiting admission.
I feel his love continue to live in my brother and myself
I feel the many memories of his kind, gentle ways still ambling around the house.
I wish I could send this message to him.. to tell him how much I love & appreciate his gifts and my life, but, y'know some things work even if yr not online.... and we both know that and always will.
Saturday 14 August 2010
still to come.....
UMI's to ponder on....
(undiagnosed mental illnesses..or Social Syndromes of our time!) SSOOT.
#4 Fear of abundance
#5 joy phobia
#6 Fear of love. ( probably the most prevalent & mostly undiagnosed.)
...... tbc .........
(undiagnosed mental illnesses..or Social Syndromes of our time!) SSOOT.
#4 Fear of abundance
#5 joy phobia
#6 Fear of love. ( probably the most prevalent & mostly undiagnosed.)
...... tbc .........
Friday 13 August 2010
Storm Abundance
It's teaming it down with rain out there!
I've spent an abundant mornng on the allotment with my good buddy Heather; returned home with arms full of ripe, vital veggies; courgette, squash, potatoes & rainbow chard. Am about to go & have an 'express pedicure' @ the gym and off out tonight, dressed up & decorative!
Feeling ripe & fertile, wondering about babies, fostering, life choices & future plans. Appreciating how lucky I am/ we are living in this part o the world. feeling more rooted & connected, to my family, my friends, ... my -somewhat flexible- place in the world......
I've spent an abundant mornng on the allotment with my good buddy Heather; returned home with arms full of ripe, vital veggies; courgette, squash, potatoes & rainbow chard. Am about to go & have an 'express pedicure' @ the gym and off out tonight, dressed up & decorative!
Feeling ripe & fertile, wondering about babies, fostering, life choices & future plans. Appreciating how lucky I am/ we are living in this part o the world. feeling more rooted & connected, to my family, my friends, ... my -somewhat flexible- place in the world......
Sunday 8 August 2010
Tigers & Strawberries
There's some Buddhist fable about a monk hanging from a high cliff being approached by tigers; noticing strawberries growing at cliff edge, eating them and finding them Delicious in the face of impending death by tiger/drop.
That's somewhat unpoetical a rendition! but I'm appreciating the good stuff in a heightened way right now...
My Dad's being utterly amazing as he deals with (probably malignant) tumours and his unending care for my brother and myself.
I'm really appreciating him & hope he recovers and carries on being amazing for many more years to come.
I'm struggling with my own sense of support/ abandonment and noticing how friends old & new are there for me, or not!, but that many good-hearted people do care.
And... big stuff, too rambling to sum up here.. but somehow re-assessing what matters, what I can and cant do, what my problems are and aren't and noticing some of the ghosts that have hung around and reduced the celebration and sense of potential in my family and my life... Noticing them and feeling more able to blow them a kiss goodbye! with sadness, anger, grief and joy. I think I'm feeling grateful for my life. and grateful for my parents. and grateful for the strawberries! which, actually grow well!
That's somewhat unpoetical a rendition! but I'm appreciating the good stuff in a heightened way right now...
My Dad's being utterly amazing as he deals with (probably malignant) tumours and his unending care for my brother and myself.
I'm really appreciating him & hope he recovers and carries on being amazing for many more years to come.
I'm struggling with my own sense of support/ abandonment and noticing how friends old & new are there for me, or not!, but that many good-hearted people do care.
And... big stuff, too rambling to sum up here.. but somehow re-assessing what matters, what I can and cant do, what my problems are and aren't and noticing some of the ghosts that have hung around and reduced the celebration and sense of potential in my family and my life... Noticing them and feeling more able to blow them a kiss goodbye! with sadness, anger, grief and joy. I think I'm feeling grateful for my life. and grateful for my parents. and grateful for the strawberries! which, actually grow well!
Friday 6 August 2010
Real life online
It's kind of odd blogging about real life & death stuff.
feels sort of fractured and connected at the same time.
.... ....
feels sort of fractured and connected at the same time.
.... ....
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Musings on a grey day
It's a grey day here with amazing luminous clouds and patches of brightness. I feel tired, expansive and dreamy. My dad has a worrying health condition, yet to be fully confirmed. I'm so glad to be able to see and appreciate him amidst the challenges that made our family hard to celebrate at times. There are big challenges ahead. A beautiful moth has decided to die in my kitchen, currently hogging the bread bin in its graceful decline. Life feels delicate and amazing. I'm appreciating the friends who are here for me. ......
Sunday 1 August 2010
UMI series #3 Compassion Deficit Disorder
Compassion Deficit Disorder is one of the more obvious mental illnesses.
It simply occurs where an individual, or group, has lost the ability to feel compassion for others. It can occur in specific relationships or, more commonly, may extend to whole groups or categories of fellow beings. Categorisation of others can be a symptom of CDD leading to another of the "them" & "us" type syndromes in which a sense of kinship with one's fellow beings is diminished and, thus, compassionate feelings are decreased.
Causes.
Exposure to the less tolerant strains of tabloid journalism is a common cause, as is undue and prolonged stress and a lack of pleasure in one's own life.
Cure.
Once diagnosed CDD is often easy to cure. Sometimes the simple awareness that compassion is missing, and desirable, is enough to restore it to healthy levels .
The real mystery about CDD is how it can spread so rampantly thru sections of society and, particularly, inflict those in positions of authority without being noticed, checked and reversed.
Everyone can help reverse this trend, simply by pointing out where compassion is lacking and clearly stating the need for its return.
It simply occurs where an individual, or group, has lost the ability to feel compassion for others. It can occur in specific relationships or, more commonly, may extend to whole groups or categories of fellow beings. Categorisation of others can be a symptom of CDD leading to another of the "them" & "us" type syndromes in which a sense of kinship with one's fellow beings is diminished and, thus, compassionate feelings are decreased.
Causes.
Exposure to the less tolerant strains of tabloid journalism is a common cause, as is undue and prolonged stress and a lack of pleasure in one's own life.
Cure.
Once diagnosed CDD is often easy to cure. Sometimes the simple awareness that compassion is missing, and desirable, is enough to restore it to healthy levels .
The real mystery about CDD is how it can spread so rampantly thru sections of society and, particularly, inflict those in positions of authority without being noticed, checked and reversed.
Everyone can help reverse this trend, simply by pointing out where compassion is lacking and clearly stating the need for its return.
Friday 30 July 2010
Compulsive Auditing. UMI series #2
'Compulsive Auditing' is an illness usually associated with professional organisations/ corporate bodies. It may be linked with 'Money Worship' or forms of psychosis in which human life and pleasure are seen as worthless whilst profit and anally-retentive achievement standards are elevated to realms perceived as sacred.
Signs and symptoms.
CA may first appear in the form of prolific memos, e-mails and or cyber-conferencing. Real live face-to-face meetings are less common and, if they do occur, will be devoid of humour or common sense.
Communication will lack nuance, empathy or pleasure and become somewhat robotic. Measuring, comparing and itemising will replace any qualitative value judgements and tick boxes will proliferate.
As the illness develops, sufferers will become convinced that measuring things really does make them grow and will develop a paranoid outlook in which competitors constantly lurk waiting to eclipse their performance targets and thus remove their right to live.
Cure.
Unfortunately, rather than seek help, most sufferers will cluster together in 'focus groups' in which their symptoms worsen. They will become gripped by the need to invent more and more delusions believing that false and fractured goals actually improve their functionality. Indeed, many sufferers will rise in status occupying positions of power within their organisations which then, of course, become rife with the collective strain of the disease.
It is hard to intervene once the illness has taken over and is usually best to withdraw from the group and wait until it burns itself out thru in-fighting, splinter groups, breakdown, financial collapse or, occasionally, suicide.
N.B. Tho known as Compulsive Auditing. CA appears in various forms beyond actual auditing. i.e. 'Performance Evaluation', 'Target Setting', 'Efficiency Improvement Measures' and other seemingly helpful strategies can become carriers of the pseudo-improvement virus and thus lead to all the destructive symptoms of CA.
In it's advanced forms and, often, in cases of creative individuals, CA may lead to delusional psychosis. e.g. 'Blue Sky Thinking', 'Unlimited Personal Gain' and, even 'The Big Society'.
Signs and symptoms.
CA may first appear in the form of prolific memos, e-mails and or cyber-conferencing. Real live face-to-face meetings are less common and, if they do occur, will be devoid of humour or common sense.
Communication will lack nuance, empathy or pleasure and become somewhat robotic. Measuring, comparing and itemising will replace any qualitative value judgements and tick boxes will proliferate.
As the illness develops, sufferers will become convinced that measuring things really does make them grow and will develop a paranoid outlook in which competitors constantly lurk waiting to eclipse their performance targets and thus remove their right to live.
Cure.
Unfortunately, rather than seek help, most sufferers will cluster together in 'focus groups' in which their symptoms worsen. They will become gripped by the need to invent more and more delusions believing that false and fractured goals actually improve their functionality. Indeed, many sufferers will rise in status occupying positions of power within their organisations which then, of course, become rife with the collective strain of the disease.
It is hard to intervene once the illness has taken over and is usually best to withdraw from the group and wait until it burns itself out thru in-fighting, splinter groups, breakdown, financial collapse or, occasionally, suicide.
N.B. Tho known as Compulsive Auditing. CA appears in various forms beyond actual auditing. i.e. 'Performance Evaluation', 'Target Setting', 'Efficiency Improvement Measures' and other seemingly helpful strategies can become carriers of the pseudo-improvement virus and thus lead to all the destructive symptoms of CA.
In it's advanced forms and, often, in cases of creative individuals, CA may lead to delusional psychosis. e.g. 'Blue Sky Thinking', 'Unlimited Personal Gain' and, even 'The Big Society'.
UMI ( unidentified mental illness) series
Hello, in case yr wondering what the %&(%^! this is all about!!!,
My random musings are currently applying themselves to the concept of mental health and illness and how these concepts are catagorised and defined in mainstreram society. It interests me to explore states and concepts which I beleive are detrimental to the richness of human life and yet considered sane and acceptable, "normal" even! i.e. corporate greed, ruthless ambition, lack of compassion. No one has ever been diagnosed mentally ill for displaying these qualities yet they do untold harm to global life on earth.
Eroticised Warmongering. Non-consensual Use of Authority, Compulsive Auditing. See what i mean?
I'm interested to create names for these behaviors and explore, in a creative provocative way, their impact on our lives and sense of mental health and illness.
I'm also enjoying bringing a playful spirit of enquiry to an area only just emerging from stigma, shame and hidden pain.
My random musings are currently applying themselves to the concept of mental health and illness and how these concepts are catagorised and defined in mainstreram society. It interests me to explore states and concepts which I beleive are detrimental to the richness of human life and yet considered sane and acceptable, "normal" even! i.e. corporate greed, ruthless ambition, lack of compassion. No one has ever been diagnosed mentally ill for displaying these qualities yet they do untold harm to global life on earth.
Eroticised Warmongering. Non-consensual Use of Authority, Compulsive Auditing. See what i mean?
I'm interested to create names for these behaviors and explore, in a creative provocative way, their impact on our lives and sense of mental health and illness.
I'm also enjoying bringing a playful spirit of enquiry to an area only just emerging from stigma, shame and hidden pain.
Thursday 29 July 2010
Delusional Division
Delusional Division is a mental health problem.
I'm here to tell you!
It's not a recognised diagnosis, as far as I'm aware, yet, but I believe it should be.
Delusional division is a state of mind in which a person believes that there are two types of person:
1. People who experience mental health problems/ mental distress.
2. People who never experience mental health problems/mental distress.
Some people are so entrenched in this delusion that they believe it to be true.
Others know the division to be false but may fall into divisive thinking at times of stress.
Causes.
DD is believed to be multi-causal.
It can arise from a fear of the vast range of states and experiences human beings are able to experience; from stigmatisation of some of these states and from a wish to dissociate from individuals experiencing them.
DD thrives in environments which cling to a limited view of "normality" and which seek to alienate that which they fear.
Where curiosity and respectful enquiry is replaced by fear; where there are social penalties for deviation and where there is a lack of faith in the capacity of human beings to experience distress, even extreme distress, and survive; there DD will thrive.
DD is just one of a range of "them" & "us" type syndromes which can arise from a misguided wish to elevate one's own status by disowning kinship with others.
Effects.
DD is a fear-based mental illness that arises from misinformation.
When suffering with DD a person will experience restricted freedom of expression, a fear of others' experience and/or limited empathy with others. In its worst forms DD can lead to discrimination, oppression and an inability to respond helpfully to others' needs.
Cure.
Full cure requires a complete overhaul of social attitudes creating an environment in which this delusion cannot thrive.
Individuals can increase their immunity by rejecting divisional thinking, owning the full-spectrum of their own experience and increasing empathy, acceptance and respectful interest in the experiences of others.
I'm here to tell you!
It's not a recognised diagnosis, as far as I'm aware, yet, but I believe it should be.
Delusional division is a state of mind in which a person believes that there are two types of person:
1. People who experience mental health problems/ mental distress.
2. People who never experience mental health problems/mental distress.
Some people are so entrenched in this delusion that they believe it to be true.
Others know the division to be false but may fall into divisive thinking at times of stress.
Causes.
DD is believed to be multi-causal.
It can arise from a fear of the vast range of states and experiences human beings are able to experience; from stigmatisation of some of these states and from a wish to dissociate from individuals experiencing them.
DD thrives in environments which cling to a limited view of "normality" and which seek to alienate that which they fear.
Where curiosity and respectful enquiry is replaced by fear; where there are social penalties for deviation and where there is a lack of faith in the capacity of human beings to experience distress, even extreme distress, and survive; there DD will thrive.
DD is just one of a range of "them" & "us" type syndromes which can arise from a misguided wish to elevate one's own status by disowning kinship with others.
Effects.
DD is a fear-based mental illness that arises from misinformation.
When suffering with DD a person will experience restricted freedom of expression, a fear of others' experience and/or limited empathy with others. In its worst forms DD can lead to discrimination, oppression and an inability to respond helpfully to others' needs.
Cure.
Full cure requires a complete overhaul of social attitudes creating an environment in which this delusion cannot thrive.
Individuals can increase their immunity by rejecting divisional thinking, owning the full-spectrum of their own experience and increasing empathy, acceptance and respectful interest in the experiences of others.
Sunday 25 July 2010
Song
This is a new song... so u cant hear the tune!!! but thought I'd post anyway.
I wrote a song about saving the world
then I was too afraid to sing it
cause here in this free western democracy
seems there's less & less real freedom in it
we're under surveillence from cameras & men
supposedly meant to protect us
“oh officer please don't push me I have a weak heart”
of course the 2 things are competely disconnected.
& if you should find yrself ill, weak or poor
& need state help just with surviving
well best not complain too loud long or sure
or that help may never be arriving
we're free to get drunk, work in jobs we dont love
& buy lots of clothes made in China
we're free to hate our bodies and try to change our face
our breasts and our other areas which are actually stunningly beautifully exactly as they are!
& we spend so much time filmed on CCTV
if there were oscars surely we'd all o won 'it
'Best crossing the road', 'Best female picking yr nose'
“without my family & friends I could ne'er o done it!”
& some of us remember somewhere under the skin
when freedom felt like fire in the blood
& not only did we stand, shout & call for human rights
we believed we could build a world we love
So go find a camera & tell it yr dreams
there not there just to watch us walk & vomit!
Think about yr fears and yr hopes for the world,
Then say it & make sure a cameras on it!
I wrote a song about saving the world
then I was too afraid to sing it
cause here in this free western democracy
seems there's less & less real freedom in it
we're under surveillence from cameras & men
supposedly meant to protect us
“oh officer please don't push me I have a weak heart”
of course the 2 things are competely disconnected.
& if you should find yrself ill, weak or poor
& need state help just with surviving
well best not complain too loud long or sure
or that help may never be arriving
we're free to get drunk, work in jobs we dont love
& buy lots of clothes made in China
we're free to hate our bodies and try to change our face
our breasts and our other areas which are actually stunningly beautifully exactly as they are!
& we spend so much time filmed on CCTV
if there were oscars surely we'd all o won 'it
'Best crossing the road', 'Best female picking yr nose'
“without my family & friends I could ne'er o done it!”
& some of us remember somewhere under the skin
when freedom felt like fire in the blood
& not only did we stand, shout & call for human rights
we believed we could build a world we love
So go find a camera & tell it yr dreams
there not there just to watch us walk & vomit!
Think about yr fears and yr hopes for the world,
Then say it & make sure a cameras on it!
Wednesday 21 July 2010
errrmm invisible photos!!!!
Ok Its official I cannot work out how to post photos on this thing!!!!!!!
challenges
Well here I am struggling with a low-level yeuch-feeling virus and emotional pain resulting from a visit to my family. My dad has had some problem with swallowing and digestion and sees a specialist in 2 weeks time. He's 82, normally amazingly healthy and my brothers sole carer. Considering his needs and responding supportively feels fine & easy when I'm strong & well, but when I'm not it opens a right can o worms Re; the inequalities of care in our family, my virtial invisibility and my brothers infantile status beyond his actual needs. It's hard being silenced by yr family and ignored when yr in pain. Its also challenging facing up to my dad's mortality and the relatively little time we've had to see and appreciate each other beyond the shadow of tragedy my brother's illness and stigma of shame cast over our family. On top o this, they read the Daily Express! which interjects unexpected shots of homophobia , xenophobia and blatent sexism into this man who, actually, holds very loving and respectful values towards his fellow beings. If I'm not robust it floors me. and has pretty much done so this time. along with whatever viral shite I've picked up, probably from my brother.
So, here I am feeling angry and hurt and vulnerable, supposedly bloggin on sustainable love and the delights of earthly life!!!!!!
I',m moved by others support and emotional bravery. Just read an amazing post by transwoman Annie Danger on Fb re; support- or lack of it- from her dyke/womyn friends.
I guess really sustainable love is embracing all the challenges life throws at us and moving thru with courage, power and real love. I almost feel up to the challenge.
xxxC
So, here I am feeling angry and hurt and vulnerable, supposedly bloggin on sustainable love and the delights of earthly life!!!!!!
I',m moved by others support and emotional bravery. Just read an amazing post by transwoman Annie Danger on Fb re; support- or lack of it- from her dyke/womyn friends.
I guess really sustainable love is embracing all the challenges life throws at us and moving thru with courage, power and real love. I almost feel up to the challenge.
xxxC
Friday 16 July 2010
Hiccups on the road to success!
well,
I was all prepared to go & sing at a folk night last night... then had a wobble & bottled out! It's really unusual for me & no big deal really, I wasn't booked or anything... but has wobbled me a bit as getting more out there with my music is a recent goal I have some high hopes for..... Its not like me to resist a mic opportunity... tho actually there was no mic for this one... it was an unplugged singers night. maybe that was it!!!! hee hee!
..... seriously tho, need to look a building some support for myself to make the goal more attainable.
I was all prepared to go & sing at a folk night last night... then had a wobble & bottled out! It's really unusual for me & no big deal really, I wasn't booked or anything... but has wobbled me a bit as getting more out there with my music is a recent goal I have some high hopes for..... Its not like me to resist a mic opportunity... tho actually there was no mic for this one... it was an unplugged singers night. maybe that was it!!!! hee hee!
..... seriously tho, need to look a building some support for myself to make the goal more attainable.
Thursday 15 July 2010
Lucky!
Today I rejoice in the freedoms of the western world!
Just been to dental hospital to have my wounds checked.. & all is healing nicely. Thank you surviving NHS dentistry!
Strolled around sunny sheffield, bought lovely lingerie & did some research for my next bout of queer feminist comedy. Pretty lucky life hey?
Just been to dental hospital to have my wounds checked.. & all is healing nicely. Thank you surviving NHS dentistry!
Strolled around sunny sheffield, bought lovely lingerie & did some research for my next bout of queer feminist comedy. Pretty lucky life hey?
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Tuesday 13 July 2010
Sustainable love and eco-friendly delights.....
Helloo virtual world!
This is my first foray into blog world.
I'm currently interested in enhanced mental Health.. Love beyond conventional coupledom and sustainablity re; human life on earth.
Betwixt these large & lofty thoughts I'm working on my acoustic song reportiore and seeking a recording set up.
I've just aquired the domain for www.sustainablentertainment.org which, when I build it will be a site supporting eco-friendly, low/no carbon entertainment initiatives.
errm so i guess thats it for now!
This is my first foray into blog world.
I'm currently interested in enhanced mental Health.. Love beyond conventional coupledom and sustainablity re; human life on earth.
Betwixt these large & lofty thoughts I'm working on my acoustic song reportiore and seeking a recording set up.
I've just aquired the domain for www.sustainablentertainment.org which, when I build it will be a site supporting eco-friendly, low/no carbon entertainment initiatives.
errm so i guess thats it for now!
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