In response to National Remembrance Day 6 Sept for all who have died at the hands of ATOS & DWP

There was a time, several years ago now, when life challenges wore me very thin.

A debilitating long illness, bereavement, loss of job and relationship(s) left me weak and vulnerable. I was unemployed, on incapacity benefit, which, in itself had been a journey of shame and depression, admitting weakness being an uncomfortable thing for me.

When my Incapacity benefit was cut, following a demoralising assessment, which left me more depressed, ashamed and despondent, I found myself considering suicide.

Or, it's probably true-er to say, I found myself unable to sustain any belief that I deserved to live. The will to carry on, seemingly without any support whatsoever, seemed to slip from me and, after an appointment with Jobcentre plus, at which I was supposed to be actively seeking work, the viability of carrying on with my life seemed clearly unattainable.

In a very odd state indeed, I found myself walking through town. It felt unreal. There was nothing to hold me here. There was nothing supporting me or requiring me to live. I guess there is a kind of freedom in thinking you can end it all but its not a good freedom. Its hazy, ethereal, ungrounded and highly fragile.

I wandered to the bottom of the Moor and then up the Moor, feeling unreal, as if something should be here to stop me. But there was nothing. Some part of me was grieving me. Some part of me knew there were tears inside me, for myself, for my life, for a sense of value and being valued. But there was no one to speak for this. I had been officially declared unworthy of an income. I had been officially declared unworthy to live.

I walked towards Superdrug thinking I would buy sleeping pills.

I got there.

I entered the shop.

The strangest thing saved me. Something beautiful, raw and unlikely .

As I passed the make-up displays the gay male camp gene , which at the time was very strong in me, kicked in.

Like a snarling drag queen, known for their brittle tenacity , something rose up, spitting and snarling with a flourish of defiance. “Ha! Why buy sleeping pills when you could buy mascara?!”

And that was that.

I left the store with green glitter mascara, and a renewed connection to all who have been denied, made worthless, cast out and socially condemned.

I left the store still fragile, frightened , connected ...and alive.

It was that slender.

The line between destruction and survival.

And not all are so rescued.

I believe we all need something to hold us here. Some sense of connection Of care Of love even. We are all fragile. We are all interconnected. This is why I believe we need a welfare state.

Chrystine Moon Sept 2013