Today....

Today I have continued to grapple with existential torment, loss and magic... Scraped a small hill of snow from my car**** bought snow chains for my boots and nearly run out of fuel for my stove=which-makes-all-this possible! ....

Edges

I GO TO THE EDGE.
I go to the edges.... always... seeking.... the frayed..the broken edges... always the edges.. I go the edge of the mountain... the edge of my sanity... the edge of despair the edge of beauty.. the edges of love... always the edges... the untested ground...

I miss you
I miss you more than I can ever know.. more than I can really feel more than I can believe in I miss the moments we never had... the joys we we'ren't brave enough to grasp.... to notice... did you notice?... did I? Dare I even love? Dare I come home even if home still existed ? Or am I forever running from what I truly desire? Cold it's cold out here... It's bleak and lonely and I miss the home I run from. I dont know how to come home.. I don't know how to love those who need me....I dont know how to need those who love me.. I'm afraid of love & need. I'm afraid to notice what I had... & I missed......

... & what next.....

Well, I'll tell ya if yer really wanna know....

• There are big adventures ahead of you my sweet one.. there are horizons wider than you can see right now. There are mountains of possibility.. and small caves with warm small fires to huddle by ... there are sweet smiles of gleeful conspiracy .. there is practical planning... building... some technical graft... & there are Big dreams...Bold ones, wider than yr wingspan, which is considerable! There is magic in yr blood. And, contrary to scientific viewpoints, stars do not burn out as time passes. No, they merely become brighter, until, too bright for us to bear it, they pass into an alternate universe. Nothing ends, we merely cross thresholds. ....
  We merely cross thresholds.
  There is truly never anything to lose!
  remember this.... remember this....
  & forget anything that bites at yr ankles whispering otherwise.
  There is truly never anything to lose.